When leadership starts to cost more than you can carry

I’ve written this case study as a sharing of the kind of client I work with, and what happens in coaching. To protect confidentiality, this is a blend of different clients I’ve worked with. 

They were part of a senior leadership team in an organisation going through a difficult period. There was pressure from above, tension across teams and a sense that things were shifting in ways they didn’t fully recognise or agree with.

When they first came to me, they didn’t talk about purpose. They talked about time.

They felt that they weren’t managing it well enough, that they were working late and that work was spilling into home. Evenings and weekends had become extensions of the working day and this contributed hugely to being exhausted, stressed and uncertain. Their confidence was low. 

But underneath how to ‘fix’ that stuff, there was a much bigger question surfacing: If this is what leadership here costs me, is this really where I should be? And if not, who am I without this role?

What they thought the problem was

On the surface, it looked familiar. Too many meetings. Too many decisions. Not enough time. They found that difficult conversations were being put off because there wasn’t the energy to face them at the end of another long day - and that the delay just added to the stress. 

They described feeling unsupported by their line manager. They were holding responsibility for their team, while also feeling exposed themselves and work had become something to get through, rather than something they could shape. 

A big question they were asking themselves: How can I make this better for myself and for the people I’m responsible for?

What was really going on

As the work developed, it became clear, unsurprisingly, that time management wasn’t at the heart of it.

What sat underneath was a clash of values between who they were and what the organisation was asking of them. It was also a fear of being judged or excluded if they named their needs too clearly and boundaries that were shaped by anxiety rather than choice.

There were also wider, systemic patterns at play. Expectations that had built up over time and ways of working were developing that no single person could change. Of course, they weren’t ‘the problem’ - instead they realised that they were carrying a lot of what the system itself was struggling to hold.

The work we actually did

We didn’t start with scripts for difficult conversations or productivity techniques.

We started somewhere simpler and instead we talked about how they wanted:

• their working life to feel

• to feel at the start and the end of the day

• their relationships at work to be known for

• their career to be in service of, beyond the next set of demands.

They began to notice patterns such as when they stayed silent, over-functioned or took on more than they had capacity for. When they did prepare for conversations, we didn’t focus on the exact words to say but instead focused on what they wanted to get across, how they wanted to feel in the conversation and how they wanted the other person to feel afterwards.

Things started to shift. 

They began to see that some of the pressure they were carrying wasn’t personal failure. It was old scripts, learned habits and unspoken expectations playing out inside a wider system.

That opened up a different kind of question:
What am I actually willing to tolerate here? And what am I not?

What changed

Three to six months later, nothing around them had magically transformed.

The organisation was still complex. Some relationships were better. Some were still difficult. External pressures hadn’t disappeared.

But they were different. They had built new habits that served them better. They were having difficult conversations sooner, rather than letting things build. Their expectations of themselves had softened and they were clearer about what they could influence and what they couldn’t.

Work no longer took quite the same amount of space in their life. Family, rest and things that brought them joy had found their way back into the week, not perfectly, but deliberately.

They had also developed ways of coaching themselves -  pausing, reflecting, checking in with their own values, capacity and energy before reacting to the next demand.

They felt more confident. More in control. Still questioning, but not lost.

What this taught me

Again and again, I’m reminded that leadership isn’t just about skills or strategies.

It’s about having space to think and to talk, to reconnect with what matters to you and to notice the system you’re part of, not just your own behaviour inside it. 

When leaders are supported to do that, something shifts not only for them, but for the people around them too. The tone of conversations changes. The pace changes. And what feels possible begins to widen.

A quiet invitation

If you’re reading this and recognising yourself in parts of this story, you don’t have to work it through on your own.

I’m currently open to taking on a small number of new leadership clients. My work is about creating a steady, thoughtful space to reflect, make sense of what you’re carrying and find ways of leading that are sustainable for you and for the people around you.

If it feels helpful, you’re welcome to get in touch and we can explore, without pressure, whether working together would be a good fit. Book an exploration chat below or send me a message via the contact form here. 

A question to leave you with

What are you willing to tolerate in your working life, and what are you no longer willing to carry?