The Dance of Coaching: Knowing When to Coach, When Not To, and How to Listen Differently
Last week I had the privilege of running two leadership coaching sessions, one co-facilitated with Katherine Powell for 14 leaders from an academy trust and another with 24 emerging leaders as part of the Clore Leadership programme.
Two very different groups, two very different contexts but similar questions surfaced as they often do with kind of work. A big one:
“How do I know when coaching is the right approach… and when it isn’t?”
It’s a question leaders don’t ask often enough. And it’s the heart of why coaching in leadership is less of a formula and more of a dance.
When is coaching the right approach and when isn’t it?
Coaching is powerful, but it isn’t the default answer to every situation.
Sometimes it unlocks insight.
Sometimes it creates unnecessary complexity.
Sometimes people want space to think.
Sometimes they want direction.
Leadership requires moment-by-moment judgement. A coaching approach is one option but it’s not the only one.
Here are some questions that can help leaders decide:
Questions for choosing the right approach
What does this person need most right now: clarity, reassurance, direction or space to think? How will I know?
Is the situation urgent or high-risk, where being highly directive is the safer choice?
Does the person have enough experience or knowledge to explore solutions or do they need input first?
What is the purpose of this conversation: development, performance, problem-solving or emotional support?
If I choose to coach right now, does that serve them… or does it serve me?
Sometimes leaders coach because it feels ‘right’, when the person in front of them is quietly longing for clarity, not curiosity.
Why coaching is like a dance
I sometimes describe coaching as a dance: you move, they move, you respond, they shift. The relationship is key.
That’s why coaching is often referred to as an art, not a science.
It’s also why, despite all the advances in technology, AI can never truly be a coach because coaching requires sensitivity to the unsaid, intuition about timing and an emotional reading of the system between two people.
Those things can’t be automated.
A dance is alive. Which means leadership requires adaptability.
Questions for adapting your leadership dance
What signals am I noticing that tell me to shift my approach - energy, pace, frustration, excitement?
What might serve them better right now: challenge, silence, clarity or structure? How will I know?
How might I be clinging to a ‘textbook coaching approach’ that isn’t what they need?
How transparent can I be about changing style mid-conversation?
Listening: is there really one way?
Another theme that surfaced strongly was around listening, specifically the myth that there is one ‘correct’ way to listen.
Some people find silence spacious.
Others find silence suffocating.
Some find interruption disrespectful.
Others find gentle interruption supportive and regulating.
It’s risky to assume that what works for us works for everyone.
This is why coaching begins not with technique but with relationship.
Questions about how we listen
What helps this person feel most listened to? Is it silence, structure, encouragement, challenge or questions?
How might my usual listening habits (e.g., long pauses or minimal interruption) be creating anxiety or uncertainty?
What does ‘being heard’ actually look like for them?
What impact does power have on how silence or challenge might land?
There is no universal way to listen. There is only your way, their way and the space in between. Don’t assume you know best.
Co-creating the ‘how’ of the conversation
Rather than assuming, one of the simplest and most powerful moves is to ask.
Share the question.
Make the “how” transparent.
Design the process together.
For example:
Co-creation questions (aka contracting!)
How would you like me to listen today?
What helps you think? (silence, prompts, challenge or structure?)
When would you want me to step in and when should I stay back?
What pace feels right for you? How we you / we know?
What does support look like in this moment?
This is not procedural, it’s relational.
It creates psychological safety, clarity and consent.
Questions for leaders to ask themselves
Here are some questions leaders might find useful?
What is the dance asking of me right now?
Am I staying curious about the person or am I attached to the process?
What do I need to let go of to serve them better - is it expertise, efficiency or being ‘helpful’? And what might ‘helpful’ mean - do we have the same meaning of it here?
How do I know that coaching approach is in service of them and not in service of my identity as a ‘good leader’?
Good leadership is not about technique.
It’s about awareness, choice, and responsiveness.
Whether you are a senior leader, an emerging leader or simply someone invested in helping others grow, the heart of coaching in leadership lies in navigating three things:
The person.
The situation.
The moment.
It always begins with one simple act:
….paying deep, flexible, human attention to the person in front of you.
If you’d like some more practical tips, download The Leadership Spectrum guide, a practical framework to help leaders and managers understand when to direct, when to mentor and when to coach so they can bring out the best in their teams while sustaining motivation and innovation.