Escaping the Drama Triangle: How changemakers can lead with empowerment
Have you ever felt completely overwhelmed by the problems you're trying to solve, blamed others for making things worse or found yourself constantly stepping in to fix things for people? Sounds familiar? You may be caught in the drama triangle.
As a change maker, you’re driven by a desire to make the world a better place but in the pursuit of positive change, it’s easy to fall into patterns of communication and behaviour that drain your energy and hold you back from fulfilling your mission. One of the most common traps is the drama triangle.
The Drama Triangle: a hidden barrier to change
Developed by psychologist Stephen Karpman, the drama triangle describes three unhelpful roles people can fall into when navigating challenges:
Victim: ‘This system is broken, and there’s nothing I can do.’
Persecutor: ‘It’s their fault. If they just did things differently, we wouldn’t be in this mess.’
Rescuer: ‘I have to step in and fix this because no one else will.’
For those working in social change, these roles can feel all too familiar. You might feel overwhelmed by systemic issues (victim), frustrated by those in power (persecutor) or compelled to sacrifice your own wellbeing to help others (rescuer). While these reactions are understandable, they can create burnout, disempowerment and unhealthy team dynamics.
How can the drama triangle show up in social change work?
Victim role: You feel like no matter how much you do, it’s never enough. The problems are too big and the system is too broken. This can lead to hopelessness and inaction.
Persecutor role: You blame policymakers, funders or institutions for failing communities. While critique of all of this is crucial, being stuck in blame can make collaboration, and action, impossible.
Rescuer role: You work endlessly to support others, often at the expense of your own needs. You might feel guilty if you take a break or you struggle to delegate tasks (‘I don’t want to add more to their plate’).
Recognising which ‘starting gate’ you tend to enter from can be the first step to breaking free of the drama triangle.
You can ask yourself
Victim starting gate:
Do I often feel powerless or overwhelmed by the challenges I’m facing?
Do I find myself thinking, ‘there’s nothing I can do’ or ‘this is just the way things are’?
Do I avoid taking action because I believe it (or I) won’t make a difference?
Do I rely on others to step in and solve problems for me?
Do I feel stuck even when opportunities for change exist?
Persecutor starting gate:
Do I often feel frustrated or angry at others for the way things are?
Do I blame specific people, organisations or systems for the problems I see?
Do I feel the need to be ‘right’ and struggle to listen to other perspectives?
Do I use criticism or control to try to push change forward?
Do I struggle to work collaboratively because I feel others ‘don’t get it’ or ‘aren’t doing enough’?
Rescuer starting gate:
Do I feel responsible for fixing problems, even when they are not mine to solve?
Do I overextend myself to help others, often at the expense of my own wellbeing?
Do I struggle to let others take responsibility for their own actions?
Do I feel guilty if I set boundaries or say no?
Do I believe people will struggle without my help, rather than trusting in their resourcefulness and capability?
Shifting to the Winner’s Triangle: leading from empowerment
To create lasting change, we need more than just awareness. It’s crucial that we achieve transformation. That’s where the winner’s triangle comes in. This model offers a healthier alternative to the drama triangle, helping us shift from reactivity to responsibility:
Vulnerable (instead of victim): Acknowledge the challenges and emotions you face and ask for support. Voice your feelings to others. Take small, meaningful actions instead of staying stuck.
Challenger (instead of persecutor): Instead of blaming, hold people accountable with effective and useful feedback. Have clear boundaries. Lead with curiosity and invite others into problem-solving.
Coach (instead of rescuer): Support others without taking over. Listen, ask open questions (not leading ones) and help people build their own capacity for change. Hold back the advice.
Moving ‘above the line’
Another useful concept in leadership is the idea of being ‘above the line’ or ‘below the line’ in how we engage with challenges.
Below the line: reacting from fear, defensiveness, or blame (drama triangle thinking).
Above the line: responding with curiosity, accountability, and openness (winners triangle thinking).
When you catch yourself in the drama triangle, ask:
How can I shift to an empowered role?
Am I reacting or responding?
What’s one step I can take to move forward productively and get above the line?
Creating a culture of empowerment with the Okay Corral
The Okay Corral further helps us understand our mindset. It describes four key life positions:
1. I’m ok, you’re ok - the healthiest position where people see themselves and others as capable, resourceful and valuable (just because they are flesh and blood, not because of their skills and contribution).
2. I’m ok, you’re not ok - the persecutor stance which leads to blame and control.
3. I’m not ok, you’re ok - the victim stance which leads to self-doubt and passivity.
4. I’m not ok, you’re not ok - a hopeless stance, leading to disengagement.
For those who want to make the world a better place, the goal is to stay in ‘I’m ok, you’re ok” thinking which fosters mutual respect, collaboration and accountability.
What you can do today
Notice your ‘starting gate’ role in the drama triangle (use the questions above) and practice shifting to the Winner’s Triangle.
Catch yourself when reacting below the line and choose to step above the line instead.
Build a culture where your team operates from an ‘I’m ok, you’re ok’ mindset and encourage growth and shared responsibility.
Remember that change happens through sustainable action and not burnout. Taking care of yourself is part of creating change.
Your work is essential and so is the way you lead and engage with others.
By understanding these psychological patterns, you can avoid the traps that cause frustration and exhaustion and instead build robust, empowered teams and communities.
Change doesn’t just happen in policies or protests, it happens in the way we each communicate, collaborate and lead every day.
So next time you feel stuck, ask yourself: Am I leading from empowerment or falling into the drama triangle? Your answer might just shape the future of your work.