My kindness tank ran low
In this blog, I talk about how my values have influenced my decisions and led me to become a coach who works with entrepreneurs and leaders who want to make a positive difference to the world around them, without sacrificing their own lives in the process.
Ask yourself this: what will your 95-year old self want to say about your life?
My 95-year-old self will say that my life was full of courage - not the jumping out of an aeroplane type - but in standing up for what was right, being able to admit when I was wrong, and staying curious about people and the world. I will say I always tried my best to be kind. I'll have many stories of fun and silliness: I would have had many belly laughs and childish giggles.
Knowing this helps to me to articulate my values and therefore, what drives me and how I come to make the decisions I do: courage (be brave), kindness (care for people), justice (be fair) and humour (have fun).
Our value system drives our attitudes and behaviours so knowing them is key to making good decisions. It’s also useful to understand where they come from. For me, I used to think that life was what was done to you, not something you could curate and take ownership of. I grew up in a very working-class neighbourhood. It is one of those places built post-war where once you found yourself there, it felt both metaphorically and literally hard to find your way out.
had lots of friends and felt a huge sense of belonging as a child, but when I was 11 I passed the grammar school test and very quickly I became ‘other’: somehow different and not one of the gang anymore.
At school I made life-long friendships but I often felt I didn’t belong with the girls who lived in big houses, had holidays abroad and who seemed to have a much better sense of self than I did. I sort of didn’t quite fit anywhere and that made me feel less than and not good enough.
I now realise one of my modes of survival was to become a people pleaser (I still am to a certain extent and have to have a regular stern conversation with myself about it). When I feel fearful of rejection, my limbic brain system kicks in and, if I’m not quick enough to notice, I will go into complete appease mode, making sure I mould myself to fit, and making sure everyone else is okay (before checking in on myself). For me, it’s about fitting in: if people like me because I am like them, then they’ll want me to be part of their gang, right?
At University I found the most wonderful group of friends who I could be mostly me with but I think I still tried to cast myself into their (very often) middle class likeness.
I recently did a Clore Leadership course (a development programme for cultural leaders in the UK) and a strong theme is around getting to know yourself and the ‘authentic’ you. I knew I had very robust values that prioritise community and equality but it gave me a chance to step back and understand on a deeper level that my values (like many people) were shaped growing up.
I had felt and observed stereotyping and exclusion – so I strive to be non-judgemental and inclusive. My curiosity about people means that I am learning all the time about what this means and how it manifests itself.
My values have driven my career choices. When I left University, I worked in a local FE college teaching drama, but it never sat right with me. I wanted to make a bigger difference to the world so I joined a housing association as a community artist and worked with amazing artists to make sure that children and young people who lived in so called ‘deprived’ (icky term) neighbourhoods had access to high quality and diverse arts experiences. I learnt so much about people and how it’s vital to recognise that our lived experiences are all so different: but we all have something to contribute and there must be space for all voices at the table.
In 2009, I was fortunate to begin working for the amazing and well renowned arts organisation, People United. As the second member of staff I worked closely with the CEO to grow the small but ambitious charity. It’s mission: to explore how arts and creativity can help grow kinder and more caring communities. There, I learnt how important it is to be congruent with your values. In every interaction from writing an email to devising and managing huge community project, your values need to thread through it all.
After nine years, I began to feel overwhelmed. I was working really hard in a senior role, I had two children under ten who seem to need more attention not less as they grew bigger and older, and I was using up my kindness energy at work and didn’t have much left for anyone else, including me. I asked myself: who needs my attention most in the world right now? The answer came quickly: me and my family.
After some time out, I am now building a thriving coaching and mentoring practice. I recently finished a challenge to coach 100 people in 100 days for free. I still strive to change the world for the better but now I support individuals and teams to get clear on their values, make an impact but do so whilst looking after themselves in the process.
Whilst my life has had challenges, I have also benefitted from many privileges: being white for example or getting grants and bursaries for my education. I am grateful and will always want to hold the door open for others. I will keep checking in and reminding myself what’s important and that will drive how I run my business and live my life. I know the 95-year old Sarah will be very proud.
What stories will the 95-year old you tell?
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