How do you deal with ‘negative’ feedback?
I was recently lucky enough to have received loads of positive lovely feedback.
But amongst all the loveliness and some super useful feedback was a negative and unhelpful review.
Now, if this was 20 years ago, I would still be massively stewing on this, taking it as a personal attack on my values and character, but thankfully I have some pretty good coping strategies and a more positive mindset, so the stewing is kept at bay. This “stewing” is also referred to as brooding Psychologist Susan Cain in her book Emotional Agility.
Gah, it can be so easy to start focusing on that one negative comment and disregard all the good stuff.
That kind of thinking distortion or negative automatic thoughts is one of a few thinking habits that can really impact your wellbeing and how you navigate life and work. Other common patterns are things like all or nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, catastrophising or ‘shoulding’ yourself.
The MFHA describe a negative mental filter as focusing on:
“a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that it darkens your view of reality, like a drop of food colouring that discolours the entire of glass of water.”
No one seems to jump for joy on getting a less favourable review for their work but as people who want to make a positive impact in the world, it is important that you spend time building a more positive and optimistic habit of thinking in order to grow more resilience.
Please note I’m not referring to resilience in putting up with stuff you shouldn’t have to put up with by the way. In this context, I mean it more about finding ways to build strength and grow from challenging situations.
But what can you do if you find yourself focusing on the one negative comment, or the one piece of your work that didn’t go so well, or the one mistake you made in that document?
Well, I like a list and I also need to have visual reminders, so I’ve added some instructions of how to stop brooding on a piece of A4 and stuck it to my wall. It’s a very non-fancy but I find it effective!
Anyway, back to the idea of feedback…I think Brene Brown makes a good point in Dare to Lead that receiving feedback is hard for a few reasons and one of those is that ‘…we might be receiving feedback from someone who lacks delivery skills.’
Giving useful feedback is not a skill that is innate in us – many of us need to learn how to deliver it in a way that is useful and without shaming and blaming. But also…
“We have to be able to take feedback – regardless of how it’s delivered – and apply it productively. We have to do this for the simple reason: Mastery requires feedback. I don’t care what we’re trying to master – and whether we’re trying to develop greatness or proficiency – it always requires feedback.”
Brene Brown, Dare to Lead
By brooding and not looking at all feedback in a more rational way, you could actually be missing out on some useful learning that can help grow your practice or your business.